Hey there guys.
Stuck in bed today, realised I hadn't blogged posted in quite some time! Sorry about that.
So today I've finally managed to get a doctor's appointment, with a doctor who was slightly more sympathetic than the others the last time's I've been to the doctors. I really need some answers now, I'm getting impatient, getting sicker, less mobile. It takes me half an hour to crawl to the toilet and back if I'm alone. If I go out I have to use crutches and more often than not my boyfriend ends up mostly carrying me despite the pain. I keep trying to go out, socialise and lead a normal lifestyle but it's just impossible. I started my second year of college last week and I'm scared I won't get to finish it. I have so many plans and dreams I have had to put on hold due to this horrible illness. I want to ride horses again. I miss that so much, so so much. I miss the freedom, the security, the wind blowing through my hair, the leather between my fingers. So cliché I know, but it was my life. I rode 6 days a week, 2 hours each night and worked at the riding stables 10 hours each Saturday. It was all my free time, and it hurts to be unable to even go and see the horses at all. I am going to try and get up to the stables when I'm a little more mobile, but I'm scared it will just make me miss it even more. Last night, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up again, the pain is just so unbearable at the moment. I can't use the crutches because my arms and shoulders hurt too much, but at the same time I can't walk because my legs are too weak. A lot of my friends are fed up with me, keep asking when I'll be better, and if there's anything they can do. Some are still asking "what's actually wrong?" a question I still don't have the answer to. If I say M.E. I have to explain it to them, and then explain that I've not been diagnosed yet because of the ambiguity of the doctors. My boyfriend is fantastic, but he's just got a job so he doesn't have all that much time for me any-more, and he wants to keep his social interactions up even if mine are minimal. I am so lonely at the moment, nobody seem's to bother with me any-more. My close friend Rebecca, who's taking me to the doctors, is moving away to university at the end of the month, then I'll be even more alone.
Stuck in bed today, realised I hadn't blogged posted in quite some time! Sorry about that.
So today I've finally managed to get a doctor's appointment, with a doctor who was slightly more sympathetic than the others the last time's I've been to the doctors. I really need some answers now, I'm getting impatient, getting sicker, less mobile. It takes me half an hour to crawl to the toilet and back if I'm alone. If I go out I have to use crutches and more often than not my boyfriend ends up mostly carrying me despite the pain. I keep trying to go out, socialise and lead a normal lifestyle but it's just impossible. I started my second year of college last week and I'm scared I won't get to finish it. I have so many plans and dreams I have had to put on hold due to this horrible illness. I want to ride horses again. I miss that so much, so so much. I miss the freedom, the security, the wind blowing through my hair, the leather between my fingers. So cliché I know, but it was my life. I rode 6 days a week, 2 hours each night and worked at the riding stables 10 hours each Saturday. It was all my free time, and it hurts to be unable to even go and see the horses at all. I am going to try and get up to the stables when I'm a little more mobile, but I'm scared it will just make me miss it even more. Last night, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up again, the pain is just so unbearable at the moment. I can't use the crutches because my arms and shoulders hurt too much, but at the same time I can't walk because my legs are too weak. A lot of my friends are fed up with me, keep asking when I'll be better, and if there's anything they can do. Some are still asking "what's actually wrong?" a question I still don't have the answer to. If I say M.E. I have to explain it to them, and then explain that I've not been diagnosed yet because of the ambiguity of the doctors. My boyfriend is fantastic, but he's just got a job so he doesn't have all that much time for me any-more, and he wants to keep his social interactions up even if mine are minimal. I am so lonely at the moment, nobody seem's to bother with me any-more. My close friend Rebecca, who's taking me to the doctors, is moving away to university at the end of the month, then I'll be even more alone.
Daily Encouragement
I asked some of my friends, what is happiness?
Happiness is:
· Happiness is infectious - smile and the world smiles back.
· Happiness is being able to define happiness!
· Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
· Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
· Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
· Happiness is only real when shared.
· Happiness is having someone to share it with.
· Happiness is rare.
· Happiness and contentment aren't always the same thing. Contentment is the rare thing. Happiness not so much. Depression aside I'm happy.
Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life,
the whole aim and end of human existence.
the whole aim and end of human existence.
So, what is happiness?
For me, happiness is feeling loved, safe, secure and having hope. Happiness is my cat Mana coming onto my lap when I'm down. Happiness is my boyfriend Jacob stroking my cheek, lulling me into safe, nightmare free sleep. Happiness is enjoying the little things in life. Happiness for me, is a choice. I can choose to be happy despite my circumstances. I am choosing happiness. Are you?
Love you guys, Alice xxxx
For me, happiness is feeling loved, safe, secure and having hope. Happiness is my cat Mana coming onto my lap when I'm down. Happiness is my boyfriend Jacob stroking my cheek, lulling me into safe, nightmare free sleep. Happiness is enjoying the little things in life. Happiness for me, is a choice. I can choose to be happy despite my circumstances. I am choosing happiness. Are you?
Love you guys, Alice xxxx
© Alice Daley 2012
