Musings on Madness

So I kind of have a lot to say in this post. And very little of it is to do with M.E. It's things about life. This probably won't be well written, as I am brain-foggy, but it will be from the heart. Also, I am not a psychologist, and this is my opinion formed from my own experiences, it is not fact.

I think we're all mad. Genuinely. For the last few months I've been convinced that I am going mental, which is apparently a sign that I'm not going mental, but who cares? I cry, I scream, I have panic attacks and start shaking. There are times I don't recognise my own boyfriend, sometimes I scream and think he's going to hurt me, and occasionally I sit in the middle of the floor and cry whilst I cut my legs to shreds with a razor blade. Now this raised concerns, am I mad, psychotic or depressed? Do I have an anxiety disorder? What about my seizures, are they a mental health issue? I don't know. But there's one thing I will say, people react to trauma in different ways. Some people become emotionless, mechanical, and just seem to carry on with their lives, just with less vigour than they used to. Others scream and cry and throw things and generally create drama. Some people cut themselves, others starve or burn or hit themselves. Many people like to talk about it, many don't. Some people shut themselves off, become isolated and develop non-conformist habits. Other people seem to carry on leading a perfectly 'normal' life.

But this in itself raises questions. What is trauma? The online dictionary defines it as:
1. A serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident.
2. An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person, often leading to neurosis
3. An event or situation that causes great distress and disruption.

Physical trauma, to my mind, changes meaning as we age. For example, a young child who falls in the playground, and grazes their knees for the first time, is entitled to cry as much as he likes, as this is probably the most traumatic thing that has occurred in his life so far.

(On a side note this is why doctor's "pain scales" annoy me.
Pain is relative to how much or little pain you've experienced before. That child would rate their knees as a 9 or 10 on the pain scale, simply because it's the worst pain they've ever felt. However an older child with something like appendicitis, would rate their pain as a 9 or 10, and the grazed knees as maybe a 2 or 3. Does that invalidate the first child's feelings of pain? Of course not, it is simply that the older child has had more experience of pain, and therefore is able to put things into perspective.)

So by physical trauma, I mean every pain or illness you've ever had. No matter how seemingly insignificant. You are entitled to your pain, and nobody else is justified to tell you that your pain is not how you say it is, just because theirs is 'worse.' In the same way, you are not entitled to belittle someone else's pain, because you're having a 'worse' time. This is something I truly believe in. 

Emotional trauma, again, can be any event that unsettled someone, from missing the bus, to the loss of a loved one, from losing your keys to being assaulted. Now I realise there seem hugely disproportionate, however, consider this scenario:

'Katie stepped off the bus, knowing she would be home alone tonight, she fumbled in her pockets for her house key. Empty. Panic washed over her, she felt sick and dizzy. Then she remembered the bag slung over her shoulder, and began emptying it frantically onto the icy front path. Her numb fingers started to shake as her key was nowhere to be seen, what could she do?'

How would you like it if you were Katie, and someone told you that you had no right to feel upset or panicked, because their grandfather has just passed away. Their trauma, as much as it is valid and deeply saddening, does not actually help you to feel better. You're still locked out of the house in the cold.
Emotional trauma is considered to be the most common trigger for 'madness,' and this is hardly surprising. Our brains are good at dealing with physical pain. Okay it hurts, sometimes a lot, and sometimes for a long time, but it's obvious to our brain what the problem is; the brain can think 'my arm hurts, better not move it' or 'my tooth hurts, better not eat toffees.' Our brain can protect us from further injuring our bodies, because it can recognise where and how it hurts. The brain however, is not so good at dealing with emotional pain. It struggles to compute feelings of fear, hate, guilt etc. It doesn't know what to do with these electrical impulses a lot of the time, and therefore we can behave irrationally. For some people, the effect of the trauma is amplified, for others, well the lucky sods seem to deal with it pretty well. I don't know why certain people act within the norm as a response to trauma, and others don't, but I believe since we are all uniquely crafted, everyone is truly different. (Yes, even you identical twins.)

I like the third definition of trauma the best. Any event or situation that causes you great distress and disruption can be considered trauma, as far as I'm concerned. Nobody lives a life that resembles skipping from cloud to cloud surrounded by sunshine, butterflies and pink ponies. Reality just isn't like that. The human race is screwed up, and we live in a screwed up world. It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane. Your trauma can affect you in so many different ways, and you're entitled to be effected by it, in whichever way it manifests itself. Though if you're able to channel the trauma into less destructive outworking's, it's probably not advisable you don't go around beating people up, and claiming that 'I had a deeply traumatic life, therefore I am justified to punch you in the face.' Combating trauma with trauma only makes the effect of your trauma go further. At some point I shall watch 'The Butterfly Effect' and write a blog post about this concept, but that's for another time.

It can be deeply hurtful to a person to tell them that their problems aren't 'big enough' to warrant help, or that you have bigger issues going on right now. However, it can be helpful to someone suffering in this way, to aid their sense of perspective with a gentle reminder of their own circumstances. Do not dismiss the issues they have, by simply saying 'just think more positively' or 'it can't be that bad.' Instead, support them, let them know that even though you may not understand what they are going through, you are available for them, and you care. Remind them of all the good and wholesome things in their lives; a loving partner, happy family, a good education, and many other things they may or may not have. I do not think there is anybody in this world that has nothing to be thankful for. Even if that something is simple hope. Hope that one day, things will improve.

Now we come onto a slightly broader, bigger question. What is madness? 
I looked at the dictionary definition of insanity, and found it somewhat vague. I also didn't agree that this is the worlds view on madness. None of us is the same. We all possess different quirks, and abnormalities. I used to have a friend who was convinced her teeth were going to fall out. Another of my friends is anxious about dying in clothes they wouldn't want to be buried in. I am scared of glass lifts, electric toothbrushes, and any horror movie ever. I don't like lemon cake or anything slimy, and when I see something cute my entire face implodes. These things make me different from some people. However, I am not the only person in the world with these characteristics. I might be the only person with this combination of anxieties and quirks, but I am not alone in them. Everybody feels like they're going mad sometimes. It's just the way we deal with the things life throws at us every day. 

Now I know there are diagnosis' and hospitals for those with mental illness and psychotherapists and all that, and I am in no way saying that they are irrelevant or unnecessary, some people have very specific and extreme needs, which obviously cannot be ignored. But what I am saying, is that you don't have to feel like there's something wrong with you if you deal with things in an atypical way. There's not. On another note which will become another blog post, not one of us is 'normal,' as the concept of 'normal,' is screwed up. If people aren't observably mad, chances are inside they're planning to murder their little sister's bunny, or something. Besides, I like overtly mad people, they are so much more interesting than those whom attempt to keep up the appearance of being like everyone else. Those sort of people bore me.

So my friends, stay mad. Don't feel you have to hide your insanity from me, wave it around your head, dance around naked with it tattoo'd on your belly, and don't worry, unless you see two men in white coats exiting a van outside your front door.. Then consider worrying a little, maybe.

Love you all,
Alice

© Alice Daley 2013