The notion of 'I'm fine.'

Hello friends,
Now I don't know about you, but I find myself using the phrase 'I'm fine,' at least ten times a day, sometimes more. Not quite as often as I use the word 'sorry,' but still pretty often. This little phrase can get you into, or out of, a lot of trouble with friends, family, spouses, doctors, colleges and just about any one else. They are effective yet dangerous.

The first problem with these two little words, is that they can have so many different meanings. These meanings can vary depending on whether you're male or female, young or old, and what sort of mood you're in. I'm going to stereotype now so do forgive me...
For the average teenage girl who's just gone through a breakup, 'I'm fine,' probably means 'I'm falling apart inside but I don't want to talk about it. Hold me, bring me chocolate and fluffy things.'
For the average middle aged bloke, 'I'm fine,' means 'I'm fine.' As far as I'm concerned men are much less complex than women, they generally mean what they say. 
Other meanings of 'I'm fine,' could include:

• I'm not fine at all, but I don't want to worry/upset you
• I'm so-so, but I don't really want to talk to you, go away
• I'm fine, just too tired to think of a more positive response
• I'm not fine, but please leave me alone
• I'm having the worst day, but if I tell you you'll think it's your fault
• I'm far from fine, but I'm putting on a brave face for the world's sake
• I just want you to hold me, because when I'm in your arms, everything's okay again
• I'm not fine right now, but I will be
• You don't really want to know how I am, you just asked to be polite
• I'm fine, no really, I am
• I can't remember what fine feels like any more
• Whatever's going on with me is something I can handle, I don't want to bother you
• Stop worrying about me, I'm fine

So you can see where the confusion lies. I think this is a fairly British, not too modern thing. Stiff upper lip and all that; we see admitting to our weakness as being weak, where in actual fact, it takes a lot of guts to open up.

The second problem here, is that we expect other, flawed human beings, to decode our tone and body language, understand exactly which 'I'm fine,' we mean, and act accordingly. Then when they don't, because guess what? Your best-friend/mother/boyfriend/milkman/dog cannot read your mind, and may, from time to time get things wrong, you get upset because 'NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!!'

You're right. Nobody can understand you, because they aren't you. They've not lived your life, felt your feelings, experienced all the things you have. They have a different genetic make up to you, different fingerprints, different families and friends. You will never fully understand them, and they will never fully understand you. You might get close, or so you think, you'll learn each other's thought patterns and mannerisms, but let's be honest, none of us truly understands ourselves, so how can we expect someone else to?

Now I'm Christian, and although I don't believe that waving it in other people's faces does any good, it is an important part of my life. So if you're not 'religious' feel free to scroll on by, but I want to share with you something that I believe is beautiful. I have one friend, who understands me 100%, better than I could understand myself. They know each and every thought before it leaves my neurons, they know the number of cells in my body, and have lived life beside and inside me. They feel my pain as deeply as I do, know my deepest secrets. They are always there, never let me down, never leave my side. That person is Jesus Christ, who died this very day, nearly 2000 years ago, to save us from ourselves. He is my best friend.
This song describes it perfectly:

Well I appear to have gone off on a tangent, but an important one at that. If you want to know more about what I believe, get in touch with me; I'd be more than happy to share with you.

Anyhow, the point is, that we can't go around wearing the mask of 'I'm fine,' expecting everyone to see behind the mask. Maybe we want people to see, maybe we don't, and regardless of what we want, some people will see, and others won't. Of those that see, some won't respond in case you didn't want them to see, and some will worry endlessly, fussing over you, trying to make it okay again when really there's nothing they can do. Treasure the people with insight, those that see behind the mask, those that knock the walls down or climb over them. 

And if you see someone struggling behind a brave face, ask them if there's anything you can do, don't force your presence, some people just want to be left alone, but let them know you're here for them and although you can't understand what they're going through, you know how much life can hurt, and you want to support them no matter what. Don't be disheartened if they push you away, they don't mean to offend, give them some space but don't abandon them. There are some people in this life who you may have to close the door on, for your own sake or the sake of your loved ones. That's okay, I promise you, nobody has just one person they can turn to, and you must always protect yourself first.

When you ask someone 'how are you?' try to be genuine and not superficial; if you have the time to ask how they really are, then ask. If you're asking out of politeness, and everyone does, don't worry. They will meet someone further down the line who will have the time and resources to help. You cannot be everybody's hero, stay true to those you're close to, and only help if you've got the strength and coping strategies to handle it.

I'm not sure how much sense this blog post made, but I hope you get my notion. It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to tell others that you're not okay.
Stay strong friends, with love,
Alice
© Alice Daley 2013