Depression and Doctors

Hello friends,

Cheery title for this post. 

I want this to be a place I can just air my thoughts without too much care for the ill effects, but I'm still a little nervous about that. There are so many things that people don't know, that people don't want to know about me. Things that I should or shouldn't have said or done, but equally things that happened to me that I couldn't change or control. I have deep hurts.

Recently I've been getting worse, psychologically anyway, as well as physically. I've been having flashbacks, stress triggered seizures, and wild mood swings that leave me chatty and content one minute, then angry and tearful the next. It's been really hard, I feel like there are about 60 different people in my head all shouting different things at me. It's hard to know what's reality and what's in my head; very distressing.

My boyfriend's been great with me, despite a bit of tension at times where I get upset and unreasonable and he shouts at me. However, sometimes after having a seizure, I don't remember being horrible and once he understood how messed up and out of control I've been feeling, he apologises and we have cuddles to make it better. I couldn't ask for a kinder, more understand man at my side. He's stuck with me through so much, through nights of tormented pain, days of tears and darkness and every other horrible thing that's happened to me. He's tolerated me lashing out at him when I didn't recognise him, crushing his fingers whilst in severe pain, spoon feeding me, holding my convulsing body in his arms. He's still beside me. This amazes me every day; that he loves me enough to stay at my side through all this pain and hurt. I thank God for him in my prayers every night.

"I am seriously fed up of people letting me down. Look, I know I've not been the best friend recently- I've been stuck in bed for most of the time and stuff. But I try, and what I can do, I do without fail. I'm not tooting my own trumpet, of course not, but I am a little miffed by how most people I know seem to have forgotten me.

My Jake does a lot, an awful lot, more than he should do, and more than he can handle. But who else is there? And then during the moment when I really need him, like REALLY, REALLY need him, he's too tired or busy to be of any use. Argh! I'm so wound up and frustrated at the moment. I'm getting more ill each day due to excess stress, over doing it, and a multitude of other things. But I have no choice, things have to be done, and I seem to be the only one capable or bothered enough to do them!" -This was part of a separate post but I decided to just inject it into this one. Since I wrote this, some of my friends have gotten in touch and might be coming to stay for a few days, which is nice.

I am a doer. I always have been, hard-working, motivated, and competent. I am hopeful and like to think I'm somewhat of an optimist, though at times when everything's going to pot I tend to panic and get emotional. This illness has taken so much from me and left me feeling very vulnerable and really down.

Still, not to worry. I've got a double appointment with my GP on April 2nd, with my boyfriend and good friend Debbi present. We're hoping to get some useful stuff out of him, and I spent the best part of today writing out a document detailing my issues and what we want from the doctor, including:

• Pain Killers

I need some long term, effective pain killers as taking paracetamol and codeine long term isn’t good for you, and my asthma problems means that NSAIDs trigger attacks. I would also like some advice on what medication is best for migraines, as I’ve tried a few OTC treatments to no avail. 

• Sleep advice/medication

Insomnia and night time fevers make sleeping difficult, as well as increased pain and malaise at night time, but some advice would be appreciated.

• Neurologist referral

I think a neurologist would be able to help with the weakness, paralysis and seizures.

• Dietician referral

I am losing weight and really need help with eating, what to eat and how to keep it down, also with some other digestive difficulties, as again, none of the OTC treatments seem to work.

• Asthma nurse appointment

Just to make sure I’m on the right inhalers, and to crack down on having less attacks.

If any of you have any advice on how to deal with my GP, as he is very unsupportive, and does not believe in ME as a physical illness. We're hoping to change this on Tuesday, but any tips would be really really helpful.

With love, Alice
xxxx

© Alice Daley 2013