'I'd rather end my life than wait any longer'
That was a phrase I wrote today. I'm in a hospital right now and well, it's not been easy. That's not really the ins and outs of this though.
I thought I'd try to just zone out and watch some netflix to just chill my head, which this morning was in a total mess. I watched the last few episodes of The Big Bang Theory, and then I saw 'Bo Burnham's Make Happy' show on the netflix home page.
Now I'd heard the name before, in Charlie's song to Hayley G Hoover 'I know I'm not Bo Burnham but I hope I'll do' so I thought, well if Charlie knows who he is he cannot be that bad.
I was totally blown away with emotion, laughter, tears and all. I found a spirit that despite the shit things going on right now, I could feel comfortable for a little time. I realised that the Arts are responsible for so much, be that Bo Burnham or Stephen Fry or KT Tunstall or any performer and creator out there, most of them have created through some really tough shit. And it's when I feel at my most creative too. Perhaps I'll come off the antidepressants soon, it seems to help my head. Or maybe I just have a few times when I feel like this a year, and something.
I'm a muppet because I'm listening into a phone conversation across the ward, and have lost my train of thought. Basically, I think experiencing the desire to end your life makes you a much more... Rounded person, it gives you the ability to cope with life, in an ironic way.
Thank you so much Bo, a lot of what he says I really resonated with and he's so.. real. Even when he's admitting when he's being fake. I guess I just relate to his muddledness and ability to laugh at himself. My train of thought is being a little weird so I'm gunna listen to the show whilst I type to maybe remind myself what I love about it all.
The main thing is that I have been feeling so down lately and like ending my life, especially given recent circumstances. I'm not well at all and am going to have to rehome the vast majority of my animals.
Listening to Bo Burnham just made me feel much less alone. I think it's kind of that sense that he says all the 'existential crisis'y things that we're thinking. Like he made a point about not understanding the war in the middle east and I was like 'yes thank god it's not just me.'
The other thing was that I guess, he puts things into perspective. I'm really just feeling like I've found a kindred spirit.
'I love the idea of you!'
'Stop participating!'
I guess it's just like, I know that so many people feel so shitty and alone and performers like Bo make us feel like someone else understands. I'm so so grateful and I want to be one of those people.
My health sadly isn't up to caring for many animals any more. I've known this for a while but refused to admit it to myself. Someone once told me 'You can't have this many animals and be as sick as you are.' And they were right. The problem was, that I thought it meant I had to get better. Turns out I had to reduce the animal numbers instead. That's controllable, my health is not.
But I really want to donate a lot of my time and energy to performing like videos and stand up comedy. I guess I've been scared to be a creator of content because I feel like I've got nothing to offer the world. I've been physically, emotionally and mentally burnt out for a long time, and the removal of some of the animals is going to make it much easier to work on the rest of 'me.'
So I guess maybe this is an epiphany. Maybe it's not, maybe tomorrow I'll still feel shit but right now I've got some sweet relief from a really distressing time. I want to write, I want to perform, I want to share my life with people so they know the feeling I felt today. I'm inspired to make the world a better place for people, as well as animals. I want to self care, I want to study, I want to get better, I want to help people feel less shit about their lives.
I absolutely just feel so refreshed and even though I'm still vomiting a lot, feeling rough as hecky. But mentally I have clarity and inspiration that I've not had in a long time. So I'm going to start creating again. I'm not sure what and I'm not making myself stick to a schedule or medium. I'm going to be me, free, and yeah.
So I'm still gunna want to kill myself sometimes, Stephen Fry probably still does, but he creates. He seeks a lot of respite in performing and so do I. I think Bo is the same. I could write reams on his show, which I've watched basically back to back (yay autism) and I might do. But for now, I'm feeling weirdly contented.
Peace and Love
AlleyCat xx
© Alice Daley 2016
