Radio Northants and Rushden Youth Centre

Well hey there guys!

So recently I tuned into Radio Northants, a radio station from the heart of Rushden, by request of my good friend Sam. I met Sam last September, where we worked together for Nottingham Youth for Christ for a couple of months. Sam is an aspiring youth worker whose dream is to open and run a youth centre in his hometown of Rushden.

Every Wednesday, Sam hosts a local radio show alongside Radio Northants’ very own Lindsey, who hosts a sports show on the station, which you can tune in live to here, every Saturday from 3pm until 6pm. The RYC Live show runs from 7pm until 10pm and is filled with chat, music and more! I tuned in for the first time this week, and I really enjoyed listening to it, especially as I got a mention, and several song requests- eek!

I gave them an extract from this blog to read out, and they’ve asked me if I could do a piece for each week, which I’m really excited to be a part of! The extract this evening was from a very early blog post, on the subject of happiness, which you can read here. So if you have any topics or ideas you’d like to see mentioned in these little snippets and radio appearances, then let me know!

I admire Sam’s ambition to dream big, there aren’t many 18 year olds out there who’d have the guts or the focus to put all their effort into one goal, and stop at nothing to achieve it. Rushden Youth Centre was a God-given vision and I believe that it will happen and flourish, with enough prayer and support from people both through practical and financial help, to spiritual support and advice. I’m really excited to see what the future holds for RYC in the future.

Sam’s been a great friend to me through a lot of things, and I’d like to think I’ve supported him in the same way. I’m delighted to call him one of my best friends and I’m super proud of all the hard work he’s put in so far. But he needs your help! Setting up and running a youth centre costs money, and lots of it. Though he’s planning many a fundraising project, including a 365 mile bike ride (for a boy who doesn’t even run for the bus, that’s a big challenge, but one I believe he will succeed in!) to raise funds for the centre, it would be great if you guys had even a spare couple of quid to donate to this awesome project.

There’s a fundraising page set up here, take a look at it, and also visit the Rushden Youth Centre and Radio Northants Facebook pages, or give them a positive tweet, I’m sure they’d be glad to hear from you! Also, if you happen to live in or near Rushden, and fancy donating some of your time, I’m sure Sam would be more than happy to accommodate you with some worthwhile things to do!



Meanwhile, I’ll get to work on writing some more uplifting segments for inclusion on RYC Live, which will now appear at the bottom of each of my blog posts, like the Daily Encouragement used to, and then maybe consider sleeping (I’ve been sleeping terribly recently, getting all sorts of itching and burning pains, which really suck)

So, until next time, stay strong my lovely fighters!

Alley-Cat
xxxx

Take time to notice things around you, go out into nature and appreciate what’s around you. If you’re unable to go outside, perhaps open a window to let some air in, or ask a family member to go out and take some nature photos for you. Look at all the details, and then look again at the bigger landscape, how it all knits together so perfectly. If you’re able to walk, go for a gentle walk alongside a river, as water can be very soothing to the soul. Think, reflect, take some time away from it all and get back to nature’s roots.

©Alice Daley 2014

Gorillas can be problematic

So today I was having a discussion with my friend about how her chronic pain gorilla sometimes wanders off at the most inconvenient of times. For example, right before she goes to the doctors, he'll sit in the car munching bananas and refuse to get out. And I realised that my gorilla does this sometimes too- for example, if I'm about to see a friend, and I've told them I'm not doing too well, my gorilla will beat me up something rotten before I see them and then wander off, so my friend's reaction is 'well you're not that sick!'

It can be really frustrating when people can't see our gorillas, because then they don't understand how unwell you are at times. Very few people see me at my worst; lying in a darkened room unable to sit up in bed, struggling to eat or drink or think or move, sometimes even to breathe, in agony, only able to scream silently because the noise hurts so much, wondering if I'm going to die. No, barely anyone sees me when my gorilla is beating me to a pulp, jumping up and down on the bed on top of me, pummelling my head with his big gorilla hands. No, the people that choose to believe my gorilla even exists usually only see him when he's on his best behaviour, or when he's wandered off for a while.

People of the world, know this: Just because things look okay outwardly, does not mean there is nothing going on inwardly. Just because our gorillas aren't playing up something awful, doesn't mean they don't exist. One good day is not recovery or remission, and though a few lucky ones recover from chronic illness, the majority don't.

This isn't about negativity, it's about realism. Some people have such warped views in relation to illnesses like ME, yet are so supportive of people with other, better known, chronic/terminal illness such as cancer or MS. Why do we treat some disabled and ill people so differently to others? To me it makes no sense. Now I'm not saying I'd rather have another illness, I just feel there is some equality required.

Here are some quotes which might change your opinion of ME and its severity:

• “The people with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are in fact profoundly ill. They are as disabled as anyone with AIDS, with breast cancer, with coronary artery disease.”
  William Reeves from the CDC
• “I split my clinical time between the two illnesses (CFS and HIV), and I can tell you if I had to choose between the two illnesses (in 2009) I would rather have H.I.V.”
  Dr Kilimas
•  “ME/CFS is actually more debilitating than most other Medical problems in the world, including Patients undergoing Chemotherapy and HIV Patients (until about two weeks before death.)”
  Canadian ME/CFS Consensus
• “I have treated more than 2500 AIDS and CFS patients over the past 12 years and my CFS patients are MORE sick and MORE disabled, every single day, than my AIDS patients are, except in the last two weeks of life!”
  Dr. Marc Loveless
•  “Research has shown that M.E. has been found to be more disabling than MS, heart disease, virtually all types of cancer, patients undergoing chemotherapy or haemodialysis. It is comparable to end-stage AIDS, i.e. to how ill and disabled an AIDS patient is 2 weeks before death.”
  Hooper and Marshall
• “Can you imagine not sleeping for 48 hours, then running a marathon with a hangover and a dose of flu? That’s how it can feel to have ME.”
  Ceri Isfryn
• “My son has said that he would rather have a disease like cancer or diabetes that is not only treatable, but that people can understand….. I felt like a horrible mother for “wishing” that they would find “a nice simple brain tumor” when they did his MRI of the brain.”
  Dr Donnica

So next time you judge someone because their gorilla is having a good day, or tell them they're not that sick, think again. Behind closed doors they're fighting a battle with their gorillas on an hourly basis. They may not tell you they're struggling because they may not want you to worry, they may feel guilty for complaining all the time, or even just feel guilty for being ill in the first place. They may feel ashamed of their gorilla and tell you he's been behaving well recently, because they don't want you to know the cold hard truth for fear you won't believe them, that you'll judge them, blame them, or make ridiculous recommendations or suggestions on how they can get better. Instead, be kind to them, give them space and time, if they don't keep in touch as well as you'd like them to, don't worry, they're probably just too exhausted to communicate. Also, try not to express your concern over their well-being, as this can cause feelings of guilt within a chronically ill person; feeling bad for making people worried about you is the worst feeling. Besides, what did worrying achieve anyway? If you really want to help them, don't tell them you're worried about them, but instead encourage and build them up, perhaps get them something that make their dark days seem a little brighter. Treat them as you would any other human with a debilitating illness, and try not to aggravate their gorilla too much!

Hope this has helped some of you,
Alley-Cat

P.S. if you're wondering why I keep mentioning gorillas, read either of these posts:
Disability is like having a Gorilla in your house
Frustration and Acceptance (with added gorillas)

P.P.S. I found the quotes through this blog, you should go check it out:
Living with CFS

© Alice Daley 2014

Hospital Admission Book

Hi there guys, now today I wanted to talk to you about something I’ve found to be quite a useful tool when dealing with my ME at its most severe, when I’ve struggled with communication and suchlike. I got the idea from an excellent book called ‘Severe ME, A Guide to Living, by Emily Collingridge.’ It is the concept of having a little booklet made up for you, for use by medical professionals (GP’s, doctors, nurses, physioterrorists *cough* I mean therapists…) so that they know your medical history, conditions, medications and so on, without having to ask you the same questions a hundred times, especially if you need to be admitted to hospital for any reason. I’ve found it a brilliant thing to have with me, and although sometimes, some muppet doctor refuses to read it, for the most part it works a treat.

So what do I include in my ‘Hospital Admission Book?’

·         Firstly, your basic details: name, age, date of birth, address, height, weight and so on. These are things you’re bound to get asked over and over in hospital, and if you’re exhausted and struggling to communicate, it’s so useful to have these details on the front of your booklet, so they’re easy to find.

o   Most importantly, make sure any and all allergies or intolerances you have are on the front of your booklet, in bold type, so they are clear to see.

o   The front of the booklet is also a good place to put down your next of kin details, and an emergency contact number (if different from your next of kin.) It’s important to have this information on your booklet as if something awful were to happen to you, (which I hope it doesn’t!) medical professionals need to know who they can contact. If you have carers, it may be useful to have your carer’s or care agency’s details on the booklet too, as they will probably know a lot about your care needs.

o   Don’t forget to put on your GP details, as the hospital will need these to access your medical records and to forward information on during and after your admission.

·         Secondly, your medical information: Be sure to list all your conditions (even co-morbid ones such as ME and POTS or IBS) and give a brief description of how severely they affect you and how they affect you.

o   If any need further, more detailed explanation, you can include a page reference and explain the illness in full on a separate page. This initial list of medical conditions if supposed to be quick to read and understand, so that a doctor can glance at it and then continue treating you.

o   On a separate page, make a list of all the medication you’re on, including the dosage and how many times a day you take it. Where necessary, include what time of day you take it, as hospitals usually have four drugs rounds (morning, lunchtime, dinnertime and bedtime) and some people react badly to their drugs being given at a different time to what they’re used to.

·         Thirdly, special needs: It is important that the hospital recognises you may have specialised needs whilst you’re an impatient, and the earlier on these needs are established the better.

o   Problems such as light and sound sensitivity should be noted, as well as any dietary intolerances and whether assistance with feeding or personal care is required. If incontinence is an issue, the hospital should be aware of this too.

o   You may also want to point out that you may be less able to do things in the hospital environment due to the extra stimulation and change in routine (as well as whatever you’re in the hospital for in the first place!)

·         And finally, any other paperwork you might have regarding your illnesses or conditions. If you have a written care plan or a daily routine, that would a perfect resource for the hospital to use in order to try and treat you to the best possible standard of care.

o   You may want to get ‘official references’ from your regular medical team, in order to validate all the information in the booklet you have written, as some medical professionals can accuse people with multiple, complex, or co-morbid diagnoses of not being truthful when it comes to their health. Disgusting behaviour if you ask me, but it is best to prepare for the worst. It’s a good idea to have your GP sign the booklet to show that all the information in it is legitimate and correct.

o   You may also want to include details of any previous admissions, and details and/or results of any tests or scans you’ve had over the years, as these can come in handy.

Now I think that pretty much covers everything you need to put into your ‘Hospital Admission Book,’ obviously you can add and subtract from these guidelines as you see fit, and ensure you have several copies with you when you are admitted, one to put in your notes and a few to hand to anyone who hasn’t bothered to read them! If there is a lot of information in the book, perhaps condense it onto a single paged document with the most important points on, to hand to paramedics and the like.

Also, don’t forget to keep your book up to date, and also if you have any other information books about your illness (especially if it is little-known like ME) bring them with you- some of the more open minded doctors will be willing to flick through them, as well as some inquisitive nurses, and after all, education breaks down ignorance.

Take care, strong fighters!

Alley-Cat

© Alice Daley 2014

Frustration and Acceptance (with added gorillas)

So recently I've been getting more and more frustrated with myself, with my illness and with my situation. I've gotten cross that it's not fair, that I've lost my health and my youth, that I might never be able to do the activities I once loved again. I frequently get angry with myself for being unable to do things and I feel useless so much of the time when I can’t complete even simple tasks, tasks that most people don’t even think about. I find myself becoming exasperated and overwhelmed when I get too tired to finish something, and I hate asking for help with anything. I am a very stubborn person, and I don’t like to appear weak to anyone, not even my closest friends and family. I like to give the impression of having it all together, when really inside I’m usually falling apart. Obviously sometimes this mask falls off and people get an insight into the broken, bitter character I’ve become, and I hate that. I hate people saying things like ‘oh you poor thing,’ and I hate feeling pitied. I am not to be pitied. I am a strong, independent fighter who will always keep going, I may need your empathy at times, and sometimes even a bit of help, but don’t you ever pity me. For I have more joy in my life than so many, and so much of my joy comes from the smallest things- a butterfly’s wing pattern, a cuddle with my cat, a good chat with a close friend, a decent cup of tea. I may not always be a happy person, but I endeavour to always be joyful, through every circumstance.

Yet there are times when I am not joyful, when anguish and anger consumes me, where I shut out those I love, and lash out at those who try to help me. There are times when I feel so small and helpless and purposeless that I struggle to keep on going. And that’s okay, because I’m a human being, and a far from perfect one at that. I don’t intend to be a role model to anyone, more of a realistic representation of what life is like, because it’s not always fun and it’s not always fair and sometimes we just have to accept that.

We can exhaust ourselves by fighting your gorillas, (see ‘Disability is like having a Gorilla in your House’) each and every day of your life, by trying to win their cooperation through force and stubbornness, but if you’re anything like me, it just doesn’t work. You end up exhausted and your gorilla ends up angry and you invariably cause a relapse or a decline in your health. I was talking with a friend of mine the other night about acceptance of long term conditions and illnesses, and we came to the conclusion that the best strategy we’ve found for dealing with our gorillas is to invite them in, give them a spot on the sofa, offer them a cup of tea and embrace them. Not literally of course, because these aren’t literal primates that will waltz into your living room, but to continue the metaphor, the trick, we’ve found, it to accept your gorilla and try to continue with your life as you did before, but making provisions for your gorilla as well.

We could easily sit around waiting for our gorillas to leave, but they might never leave, and what’s a life wasted on waiting for things to get better if anything but a tragedy? It’s time to quit whining that it’s not fair, that we want to be better, that we don’t want our gorillas any more, and start accepting that this is the life we’ve been given. And we’ve got to work with what we’ve got, whether that’s a little or a lot, because at the end of the day, we are alive, and that calls for us to at least try to make something of ourselves, to make a difference in the world. For me, my biggest motivation is that my efforts will hopefully prevent others from having to go through what I’ve been through, that my determination will pay off in improving the lives of others. The fact that I could help someone, gives me the strength to wake up in the morning. I’m not trying to be preachy here, and I want you to know that sometimes it fails, sometimes I hurt people instead of helping them, or I help them for my own selfish agenda, or I cannot be bothered to even give someone a little time for a chat because I’m too caught up in my own misery to care. But on the days I do make a difference, when I do contribute to someone else’s happiness, when someone thanks me for something I’ve done, I feel like I can fly. Because I’m not useless, even with my gorilla in tow, and neither are you.

You might have a mental health problem, that impacts on every single thought and action of your day. You might think because of your poor people skills or your anxiety, that you’ll never be able to help someone. But I am telling you that you can. It might not be now, but maybe in a couple of years’ time, someone might ask you how you overcame your anxiety, and you can share your experiences with them. Or maybe you smiled in the street one day at someone, and that person’s remembered that for the rest of their lives. You don’t know how every little action of yours impacts the world, and even if you feel helpless and powerless to affect a change, I can assure you that you do. And you are so strong, because you fight against an invisible gorilla, which nobody can see, and yet you are still here, reading this post, and you’re still fighting every day. Don’t stop fighting, friends, because you are so much stronger than you think. I’m not going to sugar coat it, or lie to you, tell you ‘it gets better’ because it might not. This might be your life forever, and you may never feel any better, but unless you stick around, how are you going to find out? Come on, join me for the ride, and when you fall to the ground for the thousandth time, I’ll still be there beside you, with a hand to help you up again.

You might have a long term health problem, or a chronic illness such as M.E. and feel that each task you have to do in the day is nearly impossible, that you can’t go on like this anymore, and that you’re never going to achieve the things you wanted to. And maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll never go to that country or climb that mountain or become that athlete that you wanted to be, and it is okay to grieve that dream. We think of grief as being exclusively related to death, that you grieve the loss of a life. But in a way, chronic illness is the loss of a life- the life we’d planned, the life we wanted, the life where all our hopes and dreams and ambitions are fulfilled, where we are able to make choices dependant on our wishes, rather than our health. And I am giving you permission to mourn your lost life. I am giving you permission to get mad, to get sad, and to not understand. You don’t have to understand the pain you’re going though, you don’t have to like the pain you’re going through, but once you’ve screamed and shouted and cursed the world, the hardest part is accepting that this may be your life; this may be all you get. There might not be any pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it might not get better, but you have to keep on trying, because what else can you do? And I am so proud of you for getting this far, and I believe in you, I believe you are more than capable of keeping going, and I am going to be here for you no matter what.

You see, acceptance isn’t about giving up hope of a better life, it’s about understanding that you can’t just wait around for it to all get better, for someone or something to come along and fix you, because the world is not a wish granting factory. As a Christian, I might urge you to pray for healing, but whether you are healed or not is out of my hands, and you cannot put your life on hold whilst waiting around to be healed, because that is such a waste of life. As a Christian I might also say that because Earth is only a waiting room for eternity, and in comparison to the time you’ll spend in your healthy body eternally, the pain you suffer on earth is negligible. But as comforting as it is to know that one day, if you do believe that Jesus died to save your life, so that you could enjoy the gift of eternal life, you’ll enjoy a new body, forever, it doesn’t actually change your earthly experiences. You might feel differently about them, and if the knowledge of a suffering free eternity makes you view your time on earth more favourably, then credit to you, I am unable to see this in my own life, as much as I would like to.

There is a well-known saying, that life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain, and really, that’s the sentiment I’m trying to get across. Life isn’t about waiting for your gorilla to go away, it’s about teaching him to respect you, and adjusting your life to accommodate him. And you will have good days and bad days, like we all will, days when the gorilla will entertain himself and not bother you too much. But there will be the days when he beats you up repeatedly and you will get through them. Sometimes all you will be able to do is survive, and that’s okay. But maybe, just maybe, as you learn to accept the limits of you and your gorilla, you’ll start to live once more, you’ll dream new dreams, make new plans, and have a life once again.

Don’t lose hope, chronic kitties,
Alley-Cat

© Alice Daley 2014

Introducing Rupert Edward

No, I've not had a baby. Rupert, also known as Eddy, is my new furbaby.
My darling Oscar had to be put to sleep in December 2012 due to an abscess in his mouth which was stopping him eating, and although he was an old cat who'd lived a long and happy life, it was still very painful to lose him.

However, I recently decided to get a new cat from the RSPCA, as I feel it's wrong to buy a cat from a breeder when there are so many needing homes in rescue centres all over the country. We only had to visit the centre once, before I met Eddy. He looked remarkably like Oscar, which put me off initially, because I didn't want to feel like I was replacing him, but as time went on, he seemed a perfect match. Many of the other cats for adoption were about to have kittens, or were kittens themselves, and though to start with I was interested in getting a kitten, I realised that the kittens would be snapped up eagerly by loving homes. A slightly older cat though, may not be so lucky, as he's not as cute and fluffy as an 8 week old kitten. However, something about Eddy caught my dad's attention, and he pointed him out to me. When I approached his pod, he seemed so eager to rub up against the glass and get to me, that I felt sad he was so cooped up in there. I asked a staff member for some more information, and found out he'd been removed from a home due to cruelty which made me sad. He was a very nervous cat when he first came to the RSPCA centre, but he settled there once he'd got used to his surroundings. The staff member asked if I'd like to go into the pen with him to get to know him and it was lovely, I took a few pictures:

I filled in the adoption application there and then, and I wanted to take him home with me the day I met him, but I had to wait for a few things to be sorted out first. So I spent my time making the conservatory (his room) as kitty friendly as possible, with toys and a litter tray and a comfy sofa with a soft blanket for him.

We brought Rupert home at the end of April, and he's settled pretty quickly. Estimated to be about 18 months old, Rupert's still very much a playful kitten, and quite a small cat. His favourite toy is is fishing rod, closely followed by his catnip mouse. I've put together some pictures of him, from his car journey home to fairly recently. He's my little buddy, and I love him to bits.

Love you all lots, Alley-Cat.

© Alice Daley 2014

Comfort Box Tutorial!

Hey Guys!
I've been meaning to make a comfort box Tutorial for ages.

Step one: Decorate your box
So I started with a purple box from a stationers and bought myself some stickers to stick on it. I then stuck some of my favourite photos onto it, and a cute cat-related quote on the back. I've now also decorated the top with decorative tape however do not have the energy to take more photographs.

Step two: Fill your box
Once my box was decorated I then had to fill it with things that would bring me comfort if I was going through a bad day or a relapse. Small things that fit in the box neatly are best, such as small books and little trinkets. I filled my box with the following:

A journal with a pen, where I can write all my thoughts down on a bad day or during a relapse, this helps me to get out my emotions onto paper and also log my feelings so that I can show anyone professional who might be able to help me during a relapse. I also put in some little teddies, as they bring comfort to me and are small enough to sit in the palm of my hand, or travel in my handbag if I'm feeling particularly anxious.

In my box I've also included things to look at (special greetings cards, photograph, things from the charities I support) as these are not taxing but still bring some relief and comfort. I've also put in some things to do (stickers, cross stitch kits, playing cards etc) in case I get bored during a relapse and want something fun to do or make.

I've put in some sentimental items (the bracelet my granny gave me, a piece of welding my friend gave me, the necklace I wore at my baptism etc) so that I can remember the good times during the bad. The little brass telescope is the concept for a children's book I plan to write one day, and on the bottom left is a little bag of worry dolls. The idea of worry dolls is that you tell each one a problem before you go to sleep, pop them under your pillow and they 'take your worries away.' I've also put in a little pot of glitter, because sparkles!!!

The final few items I've added to my box are; some beauty stuff because everyone needs to feel pretty every once in a while, some books including my favourite book and some bible study notes for students, some prayer cards people gave me, my 'Canada' cat, made for me by a close friend of mine who sufferers with severe M.E. and some tissues, because everyone needs a good cry every now and again!

I hope this helps you to make and fill your own comfort box, it's well worth it,

Lots of love, Alice xxxx

© Alice Daley 2013

The Daley Model for Understanding the Mind

So I made this earlier this evening, and thought I'd share it with you all. This is basically what goes on inside my head and it's a model for anyone else with any sort of mental health problems to help them understand what's going on inside their head a little better, and to help mental health professionals understand what needs a patient has. It compliments the idea that the only real diagnosis of someone with mental health issues is themselves, because the human mind is much more complicated than a bit of psychology jargon. So yeah, shown below is my own 'MUM' (Model for Understanding the Mind) and I'd love to know what you think.

I realise that this may not make a lot of sense on it's own to most of you. Which is why I've devised a key. The key may help you to make a 'MUM' of your own, using my ideas. For example if you have the illness Bipolar disorder, your red circles could be 'aspects of bipolar disorder.' or if you experience extreme or risky behaviours, you could put that in a green square as a heading and then list them with black text.

I hope this will be helpful for you guys, and if you pass it on to others, please accredit it to me! Thank you! Love you lots and take care! 

Alice xxxx

© Alice Daley 2013

Mental Heath Fun and Joyness Part One

So I've spent the last three weeks on a psychiatric ward. Let me give you an overview of the events of the first week:

• Saturday 16th November - Went home to see a friend on a psychiatric ward in Shrewsbury, went to another friend's birthday party, stayed the night at my parents house, slept very badly due to anxiety.
• Sunday 17th November - Went to a great church service, saw friends in Shrewsbury before travelling back to Nottingham again.
• Monday 18th November - Went to the hospital to get the cast removed from my wrist, which had been broken- doctor gave it the all clear. Went into school and did teaching assistant style work in some great lessons.
• Tuesday 19th November - Went into school and did teaching assistant style work in some great lessons, followed by community choir.
• Wednesday 20th November - Went into the office and did some coursework in the morning. Had an appointment with the Early Intervention in Psychosis Team where I saw a horrible doctor, a student nurse, and a lovely community psychiatric nurse named Chris.

Now this Wednesday was the day it all kicked off. I've been hearing voices and having strange hallucinations for the past 12 months or so, but they'd been controllable, kind of. The Early Intervention Team, I had hoped, would be my answer, yet during my appointment they seemed to offer no solutions or help whatsoever. The doctor did not listen to me and was very removed from my situation. I was extremely distressed by the time that I left the appointment, and this was obviously evident to Chris, who apparently tried to follow me in his car so he could give me a lift home, but to no avail as I'd already started walking back into town.

I was so upset I couldn't face getting the bus so I walked through the driving rain from West Bridgeford to Nottingham, across Trent Bridge which was particularly difficult as the voice kept telling me to jump off it. I has arranged to visit my friend Fiona as she was unwell, but I was so distressed and preoccupied I cancelled. I'd been texting my friend Sam and we'd sort of made plans to meet in Nottingham. By the time I got to the Broadmarsh shopping centre, the voice was mostly in control of my body. It wanted to kill me, and knew I had multiple tablets in my bag. I went into Wilkinson's and bought a bottle of water for 29p. 

After this, I went upstairs to the toilets- a place where I'd self-harmed before. It kind of felt comforting up there, I don't really know why. The voice was completely in control at that point though I was still trying to text Sam. With shaking hands I took the pills, one at a time. 14 paracetamol, 8 fluoxetine, 4 codeine and 8 amitriptyline tablets. As soon as I realised what the voice had done to me, I text Sam and asked him to come and meet me. When I told him what I'd done, I expected him to panic, but fortunately, he was really calm the whole time.

He took me to the walk in centre, where I remember vomiting a few times. After that, my memory goes almost completely blank, aside from a few images of A&E, particularly my boss looking at my with concerned eyes. I remember thinking 'uh-oh... my boss knows what I've done... I'm in real trouble!' My next memory after that was when I arrived onto the medical ward. The nurses were very kind and one time I tipped a bowl of sick over myself and they helped me get changed and changed the bed. I had a drip running into my hand and can remember retching endlessly, my stomach totally empty but my body still fighting against the overdose. I was on the medical ward for two nights, but thankfully no permanent damage has been done.

• Thursday 21st December - Chris from the EIP Team came to see me, and we agreed it was best for me to spend some time on a psychiatric ward as an informal patient (not sectioned under the mental health act) He went back to my host home and collected some belongings. Sam and my boss came to visit me in the hospital. Sam bought me a white hot chocolate from Costa and it was really tasty. I felt really guilty about what I'd put everyone through, but was grateful for the company too.
• Friday 22nd December - I was still waiting for a bed on the psychiatric ward, and was getting increasing frustrated at the fact I still hadn't got one. My parents and my sister came to visit, and they were much more supportive than I'd expected them to be. I got a bed on a ward in Mansfield and so my parents drove me up there. The ward was very strange- I'd never stayed on a psychiatric ward so it was all new and weird. The other patients scared me but the nurses and health care assistants were nice. They sorted through all my belongings, removing anything I could possibly harm myself with (shoelaces, needles etc) I also saw the duty doctor that night, and he was extremely arrogant and rude, focussed entirely on my eating problems and refused to listen to me, or even give me time to answer his questions.

This is the end of part one, I'm going to be writing part two soon, but will write each part as a whole week.

Love you lots,
Alice xxxx

© Alice Daley 2013

The Little Princess Trust

Hey Guys!

So I've not posted for ages but I wanted to tell you about a thing I'm doing. I'm having almost all my hair cut off tomorrow, and I'm donating it to a charity that makes wigs for children who've lost their hair through cancer, alopecia and other illnesses. The charity is called The Little Princess Trust.

My hair will cost The Little Princess Trust £350 to make into a wig, so I'm hoping to raise that much on my justgiving page: http://www.justgiving.com/Alice-Daley

It would be so awesome if you guys could donate to The Little Princess Trust, even if it's just £1 or $1

Thanks guys! Love you loads!
Alice xxxx
© Alice Daley 2013

A future and a hope

Well hey there dudes!

Happy post time- yay!
So I've just come back from a weekend with my amazing boyfriend and his family, I had such a lovely time with them and I wanted to tell you all about my newest shenanigans! 

So I'm much, much better than I was- I'm walking and everything! I still have to be quite careful about how hard I push myself and I sleep- a lot! But I'm now a volunteer trainee youth-worker with Christian Charity Youth for Christ in Nottinghamshire. Living with a lovely lady and working in some great schools with some amazing young people. I've started a YFC specific blog which you can read here. 

My mental health's been up and down but I'm coping okay with it pretty well with help of my amazing friends. I'm finally getting an appointment to start getting things sorted so that's good.

I've decided I'd love to work with disabled children in a special school so next year I'm hoping to do an apprenticeship as a teaching assistant. I have a future and a hope, because God has a plan for my life.

Signing out, take care lovelies
Alice xxxx
© Alice Daley 2013