'So recently I've been feeling angry and apathetic; emotionally burned out, and starting to loathe the human race as a whole. Don't get me wrong guys- individually I love you, but collectively? Not so much. Humanity has become so stupid over recent years, and without insinuating some huge superiority complex, I think my boyfriend and I are among the few remaining people of our generation who aren't actually idiots. I'm going to sound terribly arrogant in this post, and I apologise; it isn't my intention- I'm as bad as the next person in reality, though sometimes I feel like a completely different species.'
I realised how resentful and bitter I sounded once I'd read it back, and truth be told, my emotions have been all over the shop recently. I have a lovely evening last night with my boyfriend and it's left me in a great mood, but I'm so changeable. One minute I'll be happy and laughing, the next, in a pit of despair, usually triggered by a spike in my symptoms. I've also been feeling really poorly the last few days. I think I've somewhat overdone it of late but I'm struggling to pace properly. I'm still in the boom and bust routine and finding it really hard to break.
I found this video today, and it broke my heart. This girl speaks from the heart, but from the heart of any person with chronic illness, and especially my own at the moment:
'Being continually ill and continually sick and fighting every day, because your body is in so much physical pain... I'm exhausted, and I've put on a happy face for most of the time that I've been sick, because I think that if you decide that you can be strong and decide that you can be positive, then you can make it through...
You have this hope for so long, that things are gunna get better, that you're gunna wake up in the morning and there's gunna be some cure to make you feel better and to make all the physical pain and all the emotional pain go away, and there's not. There's absolutely nothing to do to cure this. How unfair is that?
Not only is that just so unfair, but it sucks! Because I don't wanna be sick. I don't wanna wake up in the morning and know that it's gunna be a hard day. Again... I've been unable to be so strong and just be positive. And so instead of letting people in and letting them be there for me and help me I just continually push them away because now I'm just angry. I was supposed to be healthy and I was supposed to get better and I was supposed to be fine. And I'm not.
And it's so tremendously hard, to be so sick. I don't know how to explain to somebody who isn't sick, knowing that you're gunna be sick forever is the worst feeling ever. And knowing that there's really not a lot that can be done for you is the worst thing ever. And then to feel like you're hurting others around you because you're going through so much, so much that you can barely even explain. How do you explain to somebody that you hate your body? You hate what it's done to your life and you just wanna be healthy. How do you explain that to somebody? How do you make somebody understand how difficult this is to go through? You can't.
And it's so hard, to be sick forever. I don't know what's been with me lately but I've been angry instead of positive or a fighter, I've just been angry. And I think that's probably fair, cause at some point I deserve to be angry but it's so painful. Emotionally, physically and it just is too much to handle sometimes. I wish that I could tell all of the people that I've probably hurt that I'm so sorry. And to all of the people that have been there for me that I appreciate your help so much, because if it weren't for people like you in my life then I wouldn't still be okay. So thank you so much for everything you've done for me. Thank you for being supportive, probably when you didn't know what to say- I wouldn't know what to say to me.
I'm totally gunna make it through this, and I'm gunna make it over this hump, and I'm gunna get to a healthier place and a better place. I'm gunna get to a point where this is all just a part of my life that I went through. Maybe not totally, but I'm gunna try. I'm gunna really try and get there. So if those of you who know me personally, can you just stick it out that'd be really great. Your love means more to me than I can even explain, your friendship, and the care and happiness that you bring to me helps give me hope, because some days I don't know that I'm gunna make it through.
So lesson of the day, if you know someone who's sick, give them a hug and tell them they're beautiful. Because everything they're going through is probably a lot more than you know. Show them you care, and show them how special they are to you, because most of the time it's what helps keep me going.'
You have this hope for so long, that things are gunna get better, that you're gunna wake up in the morning and there's gunna be some cure to make you feel better and to make all the physical pain and all the emotional pain go away, and there's not. There's absolutely nothing to do to cure this. How unfair is that?
Not only is that just so unfair, but it sucks! Because I don't wanna be sick. I don't wanna wake up in the morning and know that it's gunna be a hard day. Again... I've been unable to be so strong and just be positive. And so instead of letting people in and letting them be there for me and help me I just continually push them away because now I'm just angry. I was supposed to be healthy and I was supposed to get better and I was supposed to be fine. And I'm not.
And it's so tremendously hard, to be so sick. I don't know how to explain to somebody who isn't sick, knowing that you're gunna be sick forever is the worst feeling ever. And knowing that there's really not a lot that can be done for you is the worst thing ever. And then to feel like you're hurting others around you because you're going through so much, so much that you can barely even explain. How do you explain to somebody that you hate your body? You hate what it's done to your life and you just wanna be healthy. How do you explain that to somebody? How do you make somebody understand how difficult this is to go through? You can't.
And it's so hard, to be sick forever. I don't know what's been with me lately but I've been angry instead of positive or a fighter, I've just been angry. And I think that's probably fair, cause at some point I deserve to be angry but it's so painful. Emotionally, physically and it just is too much to handle sometimes. I wish that I could tell all of the people that I've probably hurt that I'm so sorry. And to all of the people that have been there for me that I appreciate your help so much, because if it weren't for people like you in my life then I wouldn't still be okay. So thank you so much for everything you've done for me. Thank you for being supportive, probably when you didn't know what to say- I wouldn't know what to say to me.
I'm totally gunna make it through this, and I'm gunna make it over this hump, and I'm gunna get to a healthier place and a better place. I'm gunna get to a point where this is all just a part of my life that I went through. Maybe not totally, but I'm gunna try. I'm gunna really try and get there. So if those of you who know me personally, can you just stick it out that'd be really great. Your love means more to me than I can even explain, your friendship, and the care and happiness that you bring to me helps give me hope, because some days I don't know that I'm gunna make it through.
So lesson of the day, if you know someone who's sick, give them a hug and tell them they're beautiful. Because everything they're going through is probably a lot more than you know. Show them you care, and show them how special they are to you, because most of the time it's what helps keep me going.'
I asked in my questionnaire about what having M.E. felt like and this is my favourite response:
'A roller-coaster ride with slow motion parts. Boredom and sadness interspersed with high speed drama. Most of the time I have no speed control, or control of anything at all, including my brain, my pain, my plans.'
This life, this illness, it's a roller-coaster ride. And you know what? I wanna get off so badly right now. But I've gotta hold on, I've gotta keep fighting, even if the last little bit of fight has all gone out of me. And so do you. Because people love you, and people need you. I know you can do it.
If you need to talk to anyone about how you're feeling, don't hesitate to email me: daleymaid@gmail.com.
Peace,
Alice <3 xxxx
Alice <3 xxxx
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