Some thoughts on Self-Harm

A blank screen can be really daunting, which is why I’d like to just ramble for a little while, and tell you about some of the changes in my life. I've now moved in with my friends the Scott’s who are a family of 11; it’s an amazing environment full of mad people and animals. I’d been staying with them for a while and they then asked if I’d like to live with them. After weighing up the pros and cons of both living in a family environment and living alone in my bungalow, the decision was pretty obvious. Being surrounded by Christians in a safe environment has done wonders for both my physical and mental health.

Talking of mental health, I had a bit of a blip a few weeks ago and attempted suicide twice in a fortnight. Both times I recovered well and I'm now on the road to recovery, with a lot of help and support from those around me. Today I want to talk to you about self-harm, and so if you’re easily triggered by such matters, I suggest you don’t read this post.

I was trying to describe self-harm to a friend of mine a while back. I thought long and hard and eventually decided that he (self-harm) wasn't like a playground bully, who pushed you over and stole your lunch money. He was more like a two faced friend who manipulated you into doing things you don’t want to do. One day, he will act like your best friend, and then the next day perhaps he would ask you to do something you’re uncomfortable with. But, because you don’t want to lose the friendship, you go along with it, and before you know it, he has complete control of you. You might not recognise or realise that he’s using you like a puppet on strings, but you have a feeling something’s not quite right. You feel like you’re in too deep, and if you upset the balance now, the whole world will come crashing down. It’s just easier to do as he says. You feel like he is just a part of your life now, and imagining life without him seems impossible, and just when you feel you can cut the ties, he entices you back in with false promises and lies. You feel like a fly trapped in a spider’s web, pushed into a corner with no escape, you become resigned to the fact that self-harm will always be there in the background, around every corner, waiting for you. You start to kid yourself with thoughts like ‘If I was in a different job, self-harm would leave,’ or ‘If I had the car I wanted, self-harm would leave,’ or ‘If only I was a stronger person, self-harm would leave.’ You start hoping for your circumstances to change, and sometimes they do change for the better, yet he remains with you, your constant companion; your addiction. You might try to get away from him, run away, hide away, and you might be successful, but you feel like one wrong move, one throwaway comment from someone, one dirty look, and he’ll be right beside you again, luring you into his traps, undoing all your hard work. You begin to feel like you've got no hope. You feel powerless, helpless, and hopeless.

I'm writing this to tell you that there is hope. It might not seem like it at the moment, but I believe in you with every part of my being. Self-harm is still a part of my life, I'm not saying this from a position of authority or superiority, simply as someone who is going through what you’re going through. Someone who is starting the process of recovery, with the help from a whole bunch of people, someone who is saying we’re in this together. I believe we can, little by little, live without self-harm in our lives. I believe that, with the right support from those around us, we can look forward to a life of freedom ahead of us. I believe that my Jesus will help me to live life to the full, as it says in John 8:36 ‘If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.’ I wouldn't feel right writing this post without a bit of input with regards to my faith and how much it’s helped me with the underlying issues that have caused my self-harm. I believe that God hand crafted my body, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and so to harm what he made, what he gave me, is insulting and ungrateful. If you made the person you love most in all the world a gift, spent a lot of time, energy and effort on it, poured love and care into it, and you saw them deliberately damage or break it, how would that make you feel? It breaks God’s heart when I hurt my body, and I know that I should look after it.

You are amazing, you are strong, and I believe you can do this. Self-harm is a really difficult issue, but it’s not impossible. I'm on this journey with you, and I believe you can do this. I love you all so much, and the thought that any of you would feel so unhappy you’d want to hurt yourself makes me just want to hug you and never let you. Stay strong you lovely, lovely beans, and hold on with me. Together, we can make self-harm a thing of our past.

Alley-Cat xxx 

© Alice Daley 2015