It's kind of a funny story

So I watched a film this evening that really made me feel things that I haven't felt before. Well at least not for a long time. The film 'It's kind of a funny story,' tells the story of a depressed sixteen year old who admits himself into a psychiatric ward after having serious thoughts of suicide. Our protagonist (I learnt a new word today and felt the need to use it) Craig is admitted to the adult ward as the teen ward is conveniently for the plot line undergoing renovation. Surrounded by mentally ill patients who seem to roam free about the ward unless they are confined to bed like Muqtada, he is befriended by Bobby; someone who we never find out much about, but who is apparently depressed and has fits of rage as well. He also meets Noelle, a serious self harmer, who is witty as well as beautiful, who Craig obviously finds himself drawn to and falls in love with in a soppy scene on the roof of the hospital. (Nobody tried to kill themselves, though all through that scene I was waiting for one of them to attempt it...) Bobby, Noelle and the other patients work together to make Craig see that he can face life again, and he discovers new talents as an artist. 

By the end of the 101 minute film, everyone seems to be happy and dancing again and Craig starts his new life with a fresh outlook and a bright future along with his glistening new relationship with Noelle. Sickening, isn't it? All through the film I was feeling angry about what an unrealistic portrayal of mental illness it was. I know that's it's not the point, it was a comedy after all; a feel good film. But I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth, because unless you are living in a movie set, life really isn't like that. Depression is a long relentless slog, akin to towing a articulated lorry in a thunderstorm with a barbed wire harness around your waist and two broken legs. (Yes, I am getting better at analogies thanks to my Jacob whose rants are full of them!)
It isn't attention seeking, or 'just feeling a bit down,' it isn't romantic or kind or anything good. It is a medical illness, the same as diabetes or cancer or anything, and can be as debilitating as those. 

Depression isn't something that should be trivialised and made light of. Neither is self harm. Self harm, even in the 'attention seeking,' cases is a cry for help. Though not always consciously. I've self harmed for a good many years now and it's an addiction I am still learning to control. Personally I didn't self harm to cry for help, mine stemmed from a sense of needing to be punished whenever I wasn't good enough, which was all the time. I won't go into what caused this inferiority complex; It'll make a good post somewhere along the line. But there it was, and I loathed myself. I still do to a certain extent, although now I can appreciate that not everyone else hates me, even if I don't understand why. I scratched myself once with a hair clip, and it felt so right I just did it over and over until my arm was covered in scratches. It got worse and worse and I've got some pretty bad scars but the pain never left, it just grew stronger.

I just want to tell you, if you've cut before but especially if you've never cut before but thought about it, please don't. You are beautiful and precious and really, really, really not as bad as you think. And even if you are, a horrible loathsome person like me, cutting will make you feel worse. You get a quick fix, then the pain comes back but worse, and the next time you have to cut deeper because you feel so numb inside. Please, email me. Before you make that first burn, scratch or cut, email me. My email address is daleymaid@gmail.com and I will try to reply as soon as I can. You don't have to suffer this alone. I am here for each and every one of you. I love you.
Peace
Alice
xxxx

© Alice Daley 2013