Warning: contains strong emotional content.
I just can't take any more. This illness, this life. I don't know how to do things right, and when I try I screw up. I am so anxious, so unhappy, and the only thing that makes me happy makes others unhappy. I care about other people more than myself, but sometimes I wish someone would put me first. I know that sounds awful and I'm sure there are people who put me first and stuff but I just can't handle things right now. I need support more than ever and all I get from people is telling me how I've messed up, or that they can't deal with me. I need someone, who will always be there, through all the pain and everything. I know everyone's just human, and everyone needs a break, but I give people a break and they still ask for more. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I tell the truth, that I'm not okay. And people can't handle it. Would I be better saying 'I'm fine.' to everything, I don't know. At least then I'd be the only one getting hurt then. I get hurt anyway. I feel guilty for upsetting people, and I just don't know how to make things right. I am a bad person, and I hate myself. Because I know that tonight I will probably hurt myself because of someone who upset me. They didn't mean to, they were trying their hardest to help, but they had to go and now I'm left all alone with my thoughts. My thoughts will churn around in my head, they will grow and provoke me and hurt me. I feel so out of control at the moment. I don't want counselling, I don't want to be changed. I just want someone to accept me and love me as I am without changing me. I know I'm a horrid person but maybe I'm just better off alone, that way I can't hurt anybody.
I'm not writing this for support or sympathy. I'm not writing this to make people feel guilty about not being there for me, or abandoning me. I don't want anyone to read this and feel hurt, I just need to get the thoughts out of my head before I do something utterly stupid. I was told tonight that I am manipulative, that I use intense emotional cues to get my own way. This hurt me, because I have never been someone like that, and I didn't think I was like that. I have become much more intensely emotional since becoming ill, and that's put massive strains on all my relationships, but I thought people understood that a lot of the time it's the illness talking to me. I want to shut down and hide, to not contact the outside world at all. Maybe it'll be easier that way, maybe it will be harder. But all the same I just hope I can get through this, and not hurt any more people. I just want it to be okay, and I don't know what I can do to make it okay. I am exhausted, but I need company, I am desperately lonely and all I need is someone to talk to me. But I only want one person. They always make it better, they always make it okay. And now I feel like I've driven them away and it's all my fault and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry, ramblings over.
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© Alice Daley 2013
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Wow I'm lucky i saw this, i was only just checking up. Hey, I'm here for you, you know how to reach me if you want to talk. Please, don't do anything rash.
ReplyDeleteScarlet
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I hope you don't mind me commenting. I am 26 and have ME too (since Jan 2011). When I was younger, I went through some tough times emotionally too, and I had 2 lots of counselling. I still struggle from time to time, when I forget what I have learned from the past.
ReplyDeleteAlthough you say you are rambling, I think you do have an idea of what some of the issues are here. I am an intensely emotional person too, and other people can find that difficult. They may feel helpless, so they turn it around on you. They can't handle the fact that the hurt is real. Ironically, it is probably because they care and they don't want to see you hurting. I think if you loved yourself you would be confident that the things that have been said to you about yourself aren't true. In your current state, it just makes you feel worse.
I see in your words something of what I struggled with. I didn't like myself, yet I had a deep yearing for connection and love from other people. I craved affection, yet I pushed people away because I felt I didn't deserve it. I know you are not pushing people away, that is where we differ. But perhaps you find it difficult to accept people being kind and loving you as you are when it does happen, because you think you are a horrible person. You focus instead on the nasty things that are said (that probably aren't even meant, might just be the heat of the moment) because this backs up your view of yourself that you aren't good enough.
You are honest with people about how you feel. It takes great courage to do that in a society which favours the 'stiff upper lip' and keeping everything inside. But telling the truth about how you feel makes you vulnerable. This can be a good thing if your words are received well. It can help you be closer to another person. However, it has the potential to be very damaging to you if what you say is not received well and someone responds with something that just makes you feel worse.
It might be worth thinking about who you open up to, and whether you are going to get the reaction you need or not. Or perhaps you just need to choose your moments- people can be more and less receptive at different times.
You are NOT a horrible person. You care about other people. Yes, you make mistakes, but so does everyone else. We're all human. I could tell you a million times that you are not a horrible person, that you are a human being worthy of love and affection, but unless you believe it in your own heart, my words won't make any difference.
Counselling won't change who you are. It exists to help you understand who you are better. It is there to empower you to deal with life's problems. It may change your perspective, but it won't change you.
I think that right now it may be just what you need. A counsellor will accept you just as you are. They will be able to handle your emotions. They won't judge you, or say harsh things to you. You won't catch them at the wrong moment because they have a set time just for you.
Jesus said, 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' Read it again and emphasise the last 2 words. Jesus assumes you love youself when he tells you to love other people.
I get the distinct impression that you don't love yourself, and I think that is one of the main reasons you are finding things difficult. ME has given you yet another reason to feel useless, but it has simply exaggerated a problem that was already there.
You have to start putting yourself first. It is a mistake to give all your love and affection to other people, because it leaves you with nothing left for yourself.
Give yourself time. Do a little bit of something you really enjoy every day, like listening to your favourite song, or reading a good book for a bit. Make a moment just for you. It might sound strange, but it does help to reinforce the idea that you are enough, just as you are.