Wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff

Strangely enough this post is kind of about Dr Who. I'd never really watched much Dr Who as a kid, it just wasn't something I was in to- didn't watch much television full stop really. But with the new series starting and all, and due to the fact that the full set of the new (Christopher Eccleston onwards) series' are on my house-mate's LoveFilm, as well as my boyfriend being a fan, I decided to start watching them. So far I've really enjoyed them, skipping the few scarier episodes because I'm a wimp, I've watched up until the first few in David Tennant's first series. 

I'm torn between Eccleston and Tennant really, but they are all so different. My problem with Matt Smith isn't Moffat's writing, though that does irritate me; it's his apparent 'randomness,' which isn't all that random at all. He's a bit too awkward and excitable for my liking, but everybody has different preferences I guess. However I'm here to talk about time, more than anything.

We all have a past, a present and a future; that's kind of how life works. There's a quote that I first heard in Kung Fu Panda (though I don't think that's where it came from originally) which I really like:

'You are too concerned with what was, and what will be. There's a saying; yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift, that is why it is called the present.' 

My past is full of hurt and scars. So many things I've only told a handful of people, so many things I've told nobody. My past makes me sad and scared and hurt inside. But no matter how torn up it makes me feel, I can't go back and change it. Yes, it hurt at the time and the memories live on, I still get flashbacks and nightmares, and my past has a lot to do with my non-epileptic attacks, and my anxiety too. But there's nothing I can do to make it better, it won't go away and I have to learn to live with that. And that's okay, or at least it will be, with time. My friend Chloe is currently working through her own past, and documenting her progress in a really inspiring blog: Healing My Hidden Life

My future in uncertain to say the least. This illness can last between a year and lifelong. I'm getting worse every day instead of better, I'm going to finish college this year with 2 AS levels and 2 A levels, all of which are terrible grades because I've missed over half of this year and some of last year too. I am able to resit the year in September but what if I'm still too ill? I can't go back to college aged 30 can I? I want to get married, have children, have a career and a future, but at the moment I can't see past the end of the bed; literally. I feel like a big ball and chain around my boyfriend's leg, I'm holding him back from his full potential, and that's not okay with me. People keep saying 'it'll get better,' 'this isn't forever,' and the like, but the truth is, it might not. For some it does, but it's the uncertainty that's the hardest. In some people, it lasts 6 months, and others have died from it. 

I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't get better, and that because of the NHS's approach to treating M.E. (basically non-existent) that it'll take my whole future away from me. I don't want a lot, I don't want to be rich or famous or successful. The only thing that I want is to be independent, and to have a family of my own. I just wish a doctor somewhere could give me a piece of paper telling me how long it's going to last, and what I can do to get better. But M.E. isn't like that, it's different from case to case. I just feel like I've put my life on hold until I'm better, and that really sucks. I feel so lost at the moment, hearing all my friends plans for the coming year makes me feel so little. I'm reminded of how I felt when my big sisters left for university, left behind, never to 'grow up' like them. I've got my opportunity now, I'm an adult and yet I've been reduced to almost infancy by this wretched illness. I want my future and I want my health. It's not fair. But I can't worry about the future, as it's not happened yet. It says in the bible:

 'Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6:34

And that brings me on the the present. Right now, I am laying on a sofa bed in my onesie, my eyes are aching and my nose is running; I've been sobbing for most of the evening. I'm exhausted but not sleepy, and sleep will not come. I know that when I fall asleep, I will have a nightmare, but right now I'm happy to be awake. I'm trying to write this and write something worthwhile for you all, at the same time I'm feeling guilty because my boyfriend's blog hasn't got nearly as much traffic as mine, despite the fact he is a much better writer than me and deserves more fame than I do. Speaking of which, you should really go check out his blog! It's great! Really funny and topical rants about the modern world: Old Man Wolfe Rants

So, we can't dwell on the past, and it's pointless to worry about the future. Make the most of your present, treasure it. Don't waste a moment, because life is precious, and you only get one shot at it; you aren't a time lord. Treat each encounter with those you love like you'll never see them again. Don't waste time on petty arguments and feuds, never hurt those you love, and forgive quickly. Life is short, too short for some, and your legacy will be in your character. Not how much you earned or what car you drove or how cool you looked, your nature; kindness, compassion, love.

Peace out
Alice xxxx

© Alice Daley 2013