Being friends with someone who is chronically ill

Being friends with someone with a chronic illness is hard work, it really is. They appear to be demanding, they cancel plans last minute, they give the impression of being self-absorbed or selfish, and they seem to be too dependent. I am going to attempt to advise you in how you can maintain a friendship with someone who has a chronic illness. If you want to read more about my personal struggles with friendship then click here, but for now I want to try and keep things fairly generic.

I’ve written this based from my own experiences with my friends, witnessing the struggles they face when they try to maintain a friendship with me, and my own struggles when trying to be understanding towards my own friends who have chronic illness. This isn’t directed at any particular person or group of people, these are just general observations that I’ve picked up over the past few years whilst I’ve been ill.

First thing to remember:
Your friend probably realises that their illness makes them a hard person to be friends with, and they probably feel really, really guilty about it. They’ll feel as if they don’t deserve you, and as if they’re ruining your life by being ill and (in their mind) forcing you to be friends with them. They’ll probably beat themselves up over their over-dependence, their unreliability, and the way their illness affects your relationship with them. The worst thing you can do is to make them feel guiltier by telling them how hard it is for you. You have other, healthy friends to support you (I hope!) but the chronically ill person does not need you telling them how hard they’re making your life- not helpful.

Second thing to be aware of:
Your friend feels isolated and lonely, due to the fact their illness limits their ability to participate in activities. Be sensitive towards this, and be understanding when they express feelings of abandonment and loneliness. They understand that you’re not intentionally leaving them out of things, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult for them. I realise it’s unreasonable for you to cater all your activities to their needs, but perhaps schedule in a time when you can visit them at their home and, if they’re well enough, do an activity with them. Make time to spend time with them rather than expecting them to fit in with your plans- after all, you are the healthy ones and they have the limitations that their illness puts on them. However, don’t make a surprise visit as many chronically ill people need time to prepare for visitors, as they will usually need to rest prior to having visitors and afterwards as well. Try not to stay longer than your friend can manage- shorter, more frequent visits are preferable. And try not to go on to them too much about all the fun activities you’ve been doing, as it is probably quite painful for them to hear.

Third thing you should know:
Your friend understands that you can’t be there for them as much as you’d like to be. You’re a human being, you have your own stresses and strains and issues to deal with, and your friend understands this. Contrary to popular belief, your friend is unlikely to be bitter that you’re not there as much as either of you would like, instead they understand that they are a difficult person to maintain a friendship with, and they are incredibly grateful for any time you can spare to spend with them.

Some things you can do:

1. Even the small things such as taking a picture of something they’d like and sending it to them can really cheer someone with a chronic illness up. If you think of them, send them an uplifting text or email, it doesn’t have to be long, even a line saying you were thinking of them can mean so much to them.

2. Send them post (mail.) I know as a chronic illness sufferer, receiving letters or parcels always brightens my day and fills me with excitement, so if you can, send your friend something.

3. Ask if there are any practical ways in which you can help, for example if they need anything getting from the supermarket when you do your shopping, or whether they’d be grateful if you mowed the lawn, or whatever practical help they need, if you can lend a hand then do, you have no idea how much it means to a chronically ill person to have offers or practical help.

4. Try to include them as much as you can. If you’re planning an event, perhaps think about how you can adapt it so that your chronically ill friend can attend- look into wheelchair friendly venues, restaurants that cater to dietary requirements etc. and if your friend is unable to leave his/her house, perhaps see if they can attend via skype. Obviously I’m not expecting you to plan every single social event you have around your chronically ill friend, but a little consideration for these things goes a long way.

5. Understand that your friend may have to cancel their plans last minute. With a chronic illness you never know if your health is going to be in crisis. A bowel problem, a sudden migraine, a seizure- anything could happen that could cause them to be late or unable to attend events, which can be extremely frustrating for them, especially as most people with chronic illnesses look forward to their little outings and events. So if possible, try to postpone or rearrange an event that your friend cannot attend last minute, it will mean so much more to them than if you just carry on regardless. What might seem like a pretty negligible meeting, to them might be the only social interaction they’ve had in months.

6. Rely on your other friends. Friends are for support, however it is unlikely that your chronically ill friend will be able to support you as much as they’d like. They may be able to listen to you and offer advice, but sometimes their health means that they have to focus on themselves before they can worry about other people. This may make them seem self-absorbed or selfish, but they don’t mean to be, it’s just that sometimes all they can focus on is surviving. Make sure you have other friends around you to support you, so if your chronically ill friend is unable to, you have others to turn to.

And finally, treat them like you would any other friend. Your friend probably doesn’t want it to appear obvious that you have to treat them differently because of their illness, so try not to be too different around them. If you laughed and joked before they got ill, then laugh and joke with them, if you had heart to hearts over a cuppa, then don’t stop doing that, try to make them feel as normal as possible, and remember, they want to maintain the friendship just as much as you do.

I hope this post has been helpful to those of you who have friends with a chronic illness,
lots of love to you guys
Alley-Cat
xxx

© Alice Daley 2014