The problem with people

So my friend and I spoke yesterday at great length. And we realised that for all my life, I've been the centre of my world, because it's been me against the world. Animals have replaced people because I haven't had people, and thus my social skills are really immature. This is also a symptom of Aspergers Syndrome, which I am waiting for an official diagnosis of.

I guess the difference now is that I do have people, I live in a house with 10 other people, and I've become part of their family. But I'm not used to this, I'm not used to people, and social interaction. And they're not used to someone who doesn't understand social interaction.

For example, people have noticed I don't really talk to people unless I'm asking for something, and I talk about myself a lot. Until this was pointed out I had no idea.. So I am making an effort not to do that, but it's really hard, especially with depression and anxiety, because your own thoughts seem to consume you most of the time.

I understand that I need to be more outward looking than inward looking. And I am learning, slowly but surely to do this. However it's going to be a slow process, and I will slip up, but I'm trying, I really am.

And I don't think people realise what's going on behind the scenes. My anxiety is such that much of the time, I'm too scared to leave my room. This means I only tend to if I need something, which gives the impression I only come out to ask for things, which is true in part. But the other side to this is that I need a lot more than most people, especially most people my age. I would say my needs are similar to a small child, in terms of security, understanding, compassion, physical assistance, and mental reassurance. Every activity of every day is a struggle for me; eating, washing, dressing and so on. Sometimes even going to the toilet takes so much energy that I have to sleep it off for a few hours. I spend a lot of time in my bed, asleep or resting, but this feels so unsociable.

Another thing I've noticed is that I'm much less tolerant than most of the people here, especially when it comes to noise and small children. But this is not me being difficult or purposely intolerant, it's called Sensory Overload. I struggle to cope with a lot of sounds, and they make me feel upset or anxious. So if there's a lot of sounds, or other sensory stimuli that I can't cope with, I isolate myself.

This is also a result of hypersensitivity. It's one of the symptoms of M.E. and I really do struggle with it. I try to be social, but spending time in a social space is exhausting for me, as there's always noise and other stimuli.

I know that I need to learn to cope better with these things, and I am trying incredibly hard, but it's going to be a long slog. I want to be able to cope better, and to interact better with people, but I don't think many people really appreciate how hard it is.

But I also understand that it must be hard for those around me. I don't feel safe when I'm not in control, and a lot of the time, when there's people involved, I'm not in control. This means that I come across as needy, irritable, intolerant, and generally an annoying person to try to interact with. And I get how hard that is. I'm a closed book a lot of the time, and it used to be a defence mechanism. Even though I know now there's nothing to defend against, the remains of my past life still cling. I am still guarded, I am still constantly imagining everyone to be against me, and I am still broken.

I'm in the process of learning to heal, and learning that actually I can cope with people and social interaction. That not every conversation has to be fraught with anxiety and therefore filled with self-centred babble. I am having to learn how to be a person.

I know that I'll get there, and I want to keep trying, but I just wanted to acknowledge how difficult these simple things are for me.

I hope if you're going through similar things, that you will join me on my journey to a better understanding of the world and the people in it.

© Alice Daley 2015