A Place to Start

I’m at a point now where I either feel suicidal or I feel nothing at all. I feel like I’m drowning but I don’t have the willpower to try to swim. I’m overwhelmed and exhausted, but I don’t have the strength to put a stop to my miserable existence. So I’m stuck in this limbo like some sort of lost solider, tripping over the barbed wire of no man’s land, looking for a way out. Stumbling aimlessly around, trying to make sense of the world. I feel like a useless friend as I don’t have the energy to take an interest in the lives of others, even though I want to. I expect people to read my miserable ramblings but don’t have the energy or inclination to read their well written, witty, insightful and intelligent pieces. I let everyone down on a daily basis. I’m so wrapped up in my own world that I can’t cope trying to interact with people and situations I can’t control. My anxiety is paralysing in the way a rabbit caught in the headlights is stricken with fear. My depression is paralysing in the way a heavy blanket presses down on your whole body, and each movement feels like you’re trying to move through concrete. Mentally I flit from panic to catatonic and back again. Nothing makes me feel alive anymore. Even when I know there are urgent matters to be attended to, I cannot stir myself from my lethargy.

The most difficult thing about this is that I have a Chronic Illness which is characterised by lack of energy. Most of the time the most simple thing is exhausting, but these days I can’t tell whether it’s due to my depression, my Myalgic Encephalomyelitis or a combination of the two. I expect the latter, but it’s so hard not knowing whether I need to rest due to being physically unwell, or I need to push myself to do something due to being mentally unwell. I want to lead an active lifestyle; that are the most frustrating thing; I want to be a normal, functioning member of society. But I’m not. I’m chronically sick, and mentally ill, and every second of every day is a battle to survive for me. I don’t like being thought of as lazy or unmotivated because that’s the exact opposite of who I am. I’m a driven, motivated, hardworking person who wants nothing more than to be able to be fully on top of every aspect of my life.

I’m a control freak, and this is evident when I can’t accept help with things. Because I know if I do something myself, it will definitely be right. This way, I refuse help and exhaust myself, actually creating more work and stress for everyone in the meantime. My social skills are pretty much none existent and the thought of actually trying to get better at those skills is petrifying because it feels totally unattainable. My ASD traits have become so much more pronounced, and it’s so hard to even fake being relatively normal these days. I want to go out and not have a panic attack because I’m by myself in the middle of a shop. I want to cope with a bus being late without having a meltdown. I want to cope with plans changing without instantly assuming the person changing the plans hates me. I want to be less self-absorbed and more outward looking. I want to be better.

And that’s a great place for me to start. I want to be better. I have no idea how I’m going to do it, but at least I have that passion and drive to actually want to improve. I’m not sure how I’ll go about it, and I’m exhausted even thinking about all the work I’m going to have to put into becoming a better person. But I’m willing to try, and I think that is the first step. I’m going to do my absolute best to be better at life. There will be days when all I can do is cry and become a duvet burrito, and that’s okay. But there will also be days when the small victories will pay off and I’ll be overjoyed with how far I’ve come. I’m going to give it my all, and that’s all I can do.

© Alice Daley 2015

Happiness

Honestly, I think right now I am happier than I have ever been before in my life. I don't mean in the moment happiness, that comes and goes as quick as the wind changes. But widespread happiness, that seeps into every little corner of my little life. Joy. Happiness that isn't based on circumstance or health or situation. But let's say it was...

I have a best friend for the first time in a long time, someone who is my absolute soul sibling. I couldn't imagine my life without them, and they keep me going when times get tough. Although we met online through a mutual fandom, we have met in real life now a few times, and each time we meet we get closer. I can tell them anything, and have even imposed my love of hamsters onto them! We have been through an awful lot of bad stuff together, and kept each other going throughout. It's the first relationship I've had where things feel mutually dependant and it's awesome, as I never thought I'd have another best friend.

I have salvaged a relationship that meant a lot to me from tatters. The relationship had become unhealthy for both parties and took an unexpected turn at the end of the summer when both of us had breakdowns. Now our friendship is back on track and so much healthier than before, and the weight of caring for me has been lifted from one person's shoulders, and spread across a larger range of people. I had an amazing day with them today, and I was so happy that our friendship was strong enough to survive what we went through. This person knows me inside out and back to front, has cared for me for many years, puts up with my silly antics and is just generally my favourite butthead.

Not to mention my amazing animal rescue buddy and fellow spoonie, who although I have only met a handful of times, is one of my closest friends. This person grieves with me, laughs with me, cries with me, and gets stupidly excited about little things with me. They have been there on many a pain-filled sleepless night, or stayed up with me whilst I nursed a sick animal, and I've done the same for them. They have shaped my life in ways they don't even know, and I'm so blessed to have them.

I have a group of amazing friends around me, every time I log into messenger there's a message waiting for me or someone online to talk to. I have my crazy animal friends and fellow animal group admins, I have my amazing and inspiring spoonie friends, I have miscellaneous friends I've picked up on my journey, and they're all absolutely amazing. Friends I've lived with, friends who've picked up the pieces after I've fallen apart. Friends who send me cute animal pictures when I'm down, just friends. Friends are an alien concept to me and initially I was suspicious that they were all just an elaborate ruse to pick on me. I love you all so much.

I am living with an amazing family who love me so much and I love them. It's a hectic house full of people and animals and kids and stuff, and I love it. Each member of the family makes me smile, from the smallest to the oldest. I feel so welcome and loved here, and being here is helping me adjust to living in community successfully. Yes there have been many failures and difficulties, but instead of just kicking me out at the first sign of difficulty, they have supported me to overcome the problems that I struggle with. I don't know what I'd do without them.

That brings me onto my church family. I am delighted to be back in a church after a horrible experience in a different church which put me off the idea for many months. Church family is so amazing, it helps me feel loved and valued, it helps me practically when I need it, and it brings me closer to God.

As well as this, my relationships with my blood family are the strongest they've ever been, I can have conversations with my parents without crippling anxiety. I am better at staying in touch with my sisters and no longer dread seeing my brother. I love my nephews and neices to bits, and I'm so glad I've overcome my issues surrounding family, as they all mean so much to me.

I could go on and on about how amazingly blessed I feel. I could write reams and reams all about university, my beloved animals, and much much more. I'm a very blessed individual who needs to spend less time moaning and more time being thankful and grateful for the amazing things in my life.

© Alice Daley 2015