A Place to Start

I’m at a point now where I either feel suicidal or I feel nothing at all. I feel like I’m drowning but I don’t have the willpower to try to swim. I’m overwhelmed and exhausted, but I don’t have the strength to put a stop to my miserable existence. So I’m stuck in this limbo like some sort of lost solider, tripping over the barbed wire of no man’s land, looking for a way out. Stumbling aimlessly around, trying to make sense of the world. I feel like a useless friend as I don’t have the energy to take an interest in the lives of others, even though I want to. I expect people to read my miserable ramblings but don’t have the energy or inclination to read their well written, witty, insightful and intelligent pieces. I let everyone down on a daily basis. I’m so wrapped up in my own world that I can’t cope trying to interact with people and situations I can’t control. My anxiety is paralysing in the way a rabbit caught in the headlights is stricken with fear. My depression is paralysing in the way a heavy blanket presses down on your whole body, and each movement feels like you’re trying to move through concrete. Mentally I flit from panic to catatonic and back again. Nothing makes me feel alive anymore. Even when I know there are urgent matters to be attended to, I cannot stir myself from my lethargy.

The most difficult thing about this is that I have a Chronic Illness which is characterised by lack of energy. Most of the time the most simple thing is exhausting, but these days I can’t tell whether it’s due to my depression, my Myalgic Encephalomyelitis or a combination of the two. I expect the latter, but it’s so hard not knowing whether I need to rest due to being physically unwell, or I need to push myself to do something due to being mentally unwell. I want to lead an active lifestyle; that are the most frustrating thing; I want to be a normal, functioning member of society. But I’m not. I’m chronically sick, and mentally ill, and every second of every day is a battle to survive for me. I don’t like being thought of as lazy or unmotivated because that’s the exact opposite of who I am. I’m a driven, motivated, hardworking person who wants nothing more than to be able to be fully on top of every aspect of my life.

I’m a control freak, and this is evident when I can’t accept help with things. Because I know if I do something myself, it will definitely be right. This way, I refuse help and exhaust myself, actually creating more work and stress for everyone in the meantime. My social skills are pretty much none existent and the thought of actually trying to get better at those skills is petrifying because it feels totally unattainable. My ASD traits have become so much more pronounced, and it’s so hard to even fake being relatively normal these days. I want to go out and not have a panic attack because I’m by myself in the middle of a shop. I want to cope with a bus being late without having a meltdown. I want to cope with plans changing without instantly assuming the person changing the plans hates me. I want to be less self-absorbed and more outward looking. I want to be better.

And that’s a great place for me to start. I want to be better. I have no idea how I’m going to do it, but at least I have that passion and drive to actually want to improve. I’m not sure how I’ll go about it, and I’m exhausted even thinking about all the work I’m going to have to put into becoming a better person. But I’m willing to try, and I think that is the first step. I’m going to do my absolute best to be better at life. There will be days when all I can do is cry and become a duvet burrito, and that’s okay. But there will also be days when the small victories will pay off and I’ll be overjoyed with how far I’ve come. I’m going to give it my all, and that’s all I can do.

© Alice Daley 2015